Looking Back

I remember this Instagram post very vividly. I mostly remember it because I specifically remember the day. The pandemic was nowhere near over however things were opening back up and honestly we needed to get out as a family and do something fun. For a year and a half it was just the three of us in our house. And it was a major challenge. In some ways it was a blessings, we grew closer as a family and I was able to spend more time with my husband and my son where in other circumstances, I would have spent most of my days out of the house working. It was a blessing because my husband had spent the first year of my son's life at home working with him while I went to work and so I was able to make a switch and I was able to work from home with our baby boy and my husband was allowed to get back focused on his projects. I was beginning to realize my son was not speaking much and we had allowed him to start attending daycare and we were just noticing some things so I really wanted to start engaging him in some things to help build his brain.

So I had the idea for us to go to the McWane Center here in Birmingham which is a very cool Children's Museum that has a section specifically for toddlers. Here is where I am going to be honest. Things weren't great in our marriage at this time. We were definitely experiencing some challenges and it was the red flags starting to come up that I wasn't sure how to shift and maybe my husband didn't know either. It had been evident that introducing a child into our marriage had proven to be a challenging transition and then God sat us in a pandemic with no babysitter for over a year and a half and no date night, no breaks and we were having some cracks. So needless to say, my husband didn't really want to go but I definitely pushed. I guess I just wanted a win for us, ya know. Most praying women can probably feel me on this. When you are doing the best you can and your husband is doing the best he can and you are in a pit that you have dug yourself into and you aren't fully consulting the Holy Spirit, the hole gets deeper. And our hole was getting deeper.

This is the look back. I didn't know at the time we were in a hole. Now fast forward a year later and we are separated and working with God towards reconciliation to allow Him to repair what we have contributed to break. My heart hurts, but I am spiritually strong. I am recognizing where I made missteps in making my marriage, my husband and my son and idol and neglecting where and how Holy Spirit was leading and guiding me (Exodus 20:3). I relied on my own strength too much in my season and was too worried about what other people thought. It's giving people in the wilderness making a golden calf in panic when they thought God was gone. Never ever did I think I would compare myself to the Israelites, because well they were ghetto. But now its the realization that I was ghetto too. Still am really! We all are. Mostly because God is sovereign and we are no where near His category of holiness. We forget that we need to keep striving to seek and find Him in all things. Looking back I wasn't broken enough to realize all of my help comes from the Lord. I was believing I could fix it and I couldn't. In that picture I am hurting because I can't make my husband be happy in the moment with his family because I forced him to be there. We had a great time, but the sadness is evident. I see it in the picture because I was feeling it.

What is most evident to me thought, is the faith. Because a recent sermon by Pastor Charles with Transformation Church reminded me that I am doing good, but I can seek God better. And I was seeking God good, but what that hardship and challenge and the trials and tribulations we are experiencing right now has revealed to me is that God is better. I choose right now in this moment to see my faith in God. I revisiting that sermon I mention in that post. And those words have never been so important in my life than right now. Because I have made a commitment to God. Not to my husband, not to my kids, not to culture or the world not even to myself. I will honor His covenant. My marriage to my husband has nothing to do with me or him. It has to do with God. We made a commitment to Him and I vowed to love and to cherish in sickness and health, better or for worse until death do us part. This is the worst. It really is. I don't like it. But if I am going to declare in 2021 that I am honored to be chosen, I have to be honored to be chosen in the pit. I still feel the same. I will not waver in faith. I am still honored to be the matriarch of the Kimber family. I will not bow down to the devil. Why? Because IT IS WRITTEN

Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, The things which God hat prepared for them that love him.

1 Corinthians 2:9 KJV

"The wilderness made you focused" This is a quote from the SJR sermon I mention in that post. This is more true now than it was then. I am focused. Some days are easier or harder than others, but I hear God loud and clear. 1. He loves me 2. He needs me to be obedient 3. Give Him Glory. There are a lot of things in between those things, but those are the main themes. I want to encourage you friend! God is speaking to you in your wilderness too! I know its hard, beyond hard really and it feels like the wait is forever. The children of Israel endured the wilderness for 40 years. That post was 3 years ago and we are still out here too. God is good though and He has a plan and we know because His word says

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

Praying for you all! God Bless!