I wrote this entry in my journal in the middle of the pandemic and it was a very hard time for me. I was having a battle within my heart and mind, warring in the spirit against my own flesh, which had been telling me I was not good enough to have friends. At the time I was 36 and within those years I hadn't had even one longstanding friendship. You know the ones where you are friends with someone since childhood. Yeah. I had and honestly still haven't had one of those. The longest friendship I had was a consistent MAYBE 10 years with some "childhood" friends I met in high school. Other than that every serious friendship I had, I felt lead to separate from them in certain seasons. In my less spiritually mature days I would refer to myself as "the cutoff" queen as if I was the one in control of the separation! God has revealed to me through His word He is the author of my faith walk and every single aspect of my life. He created me and outfitted me and my life one sole purpose, His glory. So in reality, He decided and projected who would and wouldn't be in my life regardless of what I decided before I was even born!
Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus the pioneer and perfector of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame and set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
The scripture reminds us of the sacrifice Jesus had to make to be set apart from a crowd that wasn't accepting of His call to be the Savior of all humanity. He was sent to work, to serve, to die. It doesn't say Jesus came to hang with His friends. In fact there are so many instances that He had to be different and He had to go off by himself and to make choices to be in the presence of God without anyone else there. Not to isolate, but to separate. The Messenger Bible says "He never lost sight of where He was headed."
I realize in my own life that sometimes the friendships I was in were a distraction from my own personal purpose and/or assignments. This is what the Bible refers to idolatry. Idolatry is anything that becomes more important than God in your life. I was chained to people pleasing, more concerned about what they thought about me than what God was saying to me.
Let me be clear. I am not saying there was anything wrong with those particular individuals. They were just being friends. This is a place of repentance for me. I am the only one who can take responsibility for placing those individuals in that place in my life. That is not their fault. I would oftentimes enmesh myself into the lives of those around me and I would lose my Christ identity. God has said to me, NO MORE EBONE, You NEED to be who I created YOU to be.
My prayer is that at some point God will show me how to reignite my friendships He had me put on hold along the way if that is His will. Until then, I have to be obedient to God and engage Him in my time of isolation. This time I feel more confident and stronger because my relationship with Christ is so much deeper, meaninfgul and intentional. It doesn't mean I don't get weak. I have to die to myself and submit to God OFTEN. I have to remind myself who God is and what He says about me in His word. I cannot afford to react to feelings and I need to guard my heart, mind and soul from outside influences, including friends.
for you are a people holy to the Lord your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession.
Deuteronomy 14:2
We are so important to God and I need to remember that so He gets all the glory, not my friends, not my family, not my job or co workers. HE GETS THE GLORY. I want to encourage you for when God separates you for a season of life. I assure you, because I am in this season now, God will restore community in your life. Allow Him to have His way, not your way! He will bless you on His terms. I am praying God gently guides you and that you will hear the Word He has for you. I pray Proverbs 4:23 over your life
Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
I pray you will enter into another dimension in your relationship with Holy Spirit that will bring you peace which surpasses all understanding and that you will lead a life confirmed to God and not of this world. This is my prayer for me and this is my prayer for you. God Bless.
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